The Truth About Hats

ACT ONE

 

SCENE ONE

An empty stage. Enter JENNA, a teenage girl. She wears a grey hat and carries what looks like a cardboard tube. She takes her time, puts her eye to the tube and looks through it, up at the sky. So she is oblivious when she is joined onstage by NATHAN. He is COOL. He wears a “jesters hat” with bells. He stands observing her for a time then speaks.

NATHAN

What’cha doing?

 

Jenna ignores him. He comes closer, pulls the tube down to his eye level and looks through the other end of it, rep eating his question.

NATHAN

I said, what’cha doing?

Jenna pulls the tube away from him, looks at him sternly.

JENNA

Nothing.

An uncomfortable pause.

JENNA

What are you doing?

Nathan shrugs.

NATHAN

Nothing.

They stand, doing nothing together (but gazing out to the audience) for a time. Jenna looks up at the stars. Nathan looks up at the stars. Then he snatches the tube from her. Looks through it.

JENNA

Hey. Give it back.

NATHAN

Cool.

He looks back at Jenna.

NATHAN

D’you know their names? Big Dipper and all that?

JENNA

Some.

NATHAN

Go on then. Tell me. What’s that one called?

Jenna looks uncertain.

JENNA

That’s.. erm..

NATHAN

You don’t know!

There is a pause for a moment. He gives her back the tube.

JENNA

The names don’t matter. Whatever names we give them it doesn’t matter. They’re still there. Shining.

NATHAN

Sailors used to chart their way by the stars. How could they do that if they didn’t know the names?

JENNA

I give them names. My names. My stars – my names.

NATHAN

You mean you make it up?

JENNA

What do you think the sailors did?

Nathan points at a star (above the audience)

NATHAN

That one? What d’you call that one?

Jenna looks a bit embarrassed. Nathan softens.

NATHAN

Go on. Tell me. I’m interested. Really.

JENNA

Well. When I look at the stars, sometimes I imagine that there are people living on them, looking back at me. Different people. People who know.

NATHAN

Know what?

JENNA

Things.

NATHAN

Things like what?

JENNA

Like Truth. Honesty. Freedom.

(a pause)

See. That one. The bright one there.

NATHAN

The one shining really brightly?

JENNA

Yeah. I call it the star of truth. I imagine the people who live on it know all about truth. No hypocrisy, no doubt. Not like here. And they start off wise, they don’t have to “grow up”.

NATHAN

Little green men?

JENNA

No. People like you and me.

She looks at him long and hard.

JENNA

But better.

(pause)

I’ve got to go in now.

(she proffers him the tube)

You can keep that if you want.

Nathan shakes his head. Jenna exits. Nathan stays on the stage, looking at the sky for a time. He shakes his head.

NATHAN

I can’t see it.

He takes a catapault from his pocket, loads it, aims – and knocks out a light, plunging himself into darkness.

SCENE TWO

PROJECTED ONTO THE BACK WALL IS THE MESSAGE:

 

A PROCESS OF ALIENATION IS NECESSARY TO ALL UNDERSTANDING.

 

Lights come up on a line of people, all of whom are wearing hats. Black hats. They are passing hats from one to the other, like some sort of factory procession , or physical mantra. They are HELP, HINDRANCE, HARMONY, YOUNG NAT, HYP AND THE BIG D. They are all involved in the chant: I know I am, I hope I can, I think I was, You say we’re all the same.

 

At one stage in the hat transfer, YOUNG NAT swaps his black hat for a jesters hat with bells (similar to Nathans in the previous scene) So that he still says “I know I am” while the others continue the mantra. Noticing the dissention, HYP at the front of the line, calls the action to a halt. She shrieks at Young Nat.

HYP

Where did you get that?

The Big D joins Hyp. The others line up, looking scared.

BIG D

You can’t wear that.

Big D reaches to take the hat from Young Nat. He rushes to hide behind the line. Hyp and Big D remove their hats. Hyp addresses the frightened line.

HYP

I know what you’re thinking. You all think that his hat looks better than the ones you’re wearing.

BIG D

Perhaps you think you can just take your hats off – like us?

HYP

You don’t understand the responsibility.

BIG D

You think we like not wearing hats?

HYP

You think we wouldn’t like to wear coloured hats with bells on them?

BIG D

It’s for your own good.

HYP

It’ll pay off in the end.

BIG D

You have any questions?

 

This question does not invite an answer. But Help half raises a nervous hand, then thinks better of it under Hyp’s firm glare.

HYP

What? You have a question?

HARMONY

How do we learn if we don’t ask questions?

Hyp completely ignores her.

HYP

You know the rules.

Help weakly puts her hand up.

HELP

Why do we have to wear black hats?

Big D laughs.

BIG D

If you haven’t got it now, you never will.

A SIGN FLASHES ON THE BACK WALL:

 

THE PRESENT DAY WORLD CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED TO PRESENT DAY PEOPLE IF IT IS DESCRIBED AS CAPABLE OF TRANSFORMATION.

Hyp dismisses the band, they march off the stage (Young Nat still concealed behind them) Hyp and The Big D remain behind.

HYP

We should ask ourselves – is truth a relative concept?

BIG D

We should ask ourselves – is relativity a truthful concept?

Into the middle of this enters Nathan looking confused. Wearing his jesters hat. He looks around him uncertainly.

NATHAN

Where am I? Are you my dream?

Hyp and The Big D look at him. Approach him. Friendly.

BIG D

That’s a nice hat.

NATHAN

Thanks. I got it..

Hyp cuts him off.

HYP

D’you want to swap it?

Nathan shakes his head. The bells jingle.

BIG D

Sure?

NATHAN

What for?

HYP

Oh. We could offer you a lot of things you’d find very useful here. A COOL guy like you. But introductions first. You are?

NATHAN

Nathan.

HYP

Delighted to meet you Nathan. I’m..

BIG D

Hyp. And I’m..

HYP

The Big D.

Nathan laughs.

BIG D

What are you laughing at?

NATHAN

Sorry. It’s just…

(lowers his voice)

He’s not very BIG!

Hyp crosses to Nathan, puts her arm round him.

HYP

Ah, but you see Nathan. Things aren’t always what they seem round here. You need friends in a place like this. We’ll find you a hat that will help you fit right in. Big D’ll keep you right. Okay?

Nathan reluctantly removes his hat. Big D takes him by the arm and leads him from the stage. As they leave we hear Nathan ask

NATHAN

Where is this place?

BIG D

Don’t you know?

Nathan shakes his head. He notices there’s no jingling of bells. He looks a bit sad about the fact.

NATHAN

No. My dream?

On the other side of the stage, Hyp has put on the hat, swings her head around till the bells jangle. Nathan looks back, a bit regretfully. Big D encourages him away.

BIG D

It’s the Star of Truth. You’ll love it here. Soon as we get you another hat to wear.

They exit, discussing hats.

Hyp is left on the stage. Takes off the hat, looks at it disdainfully. Throws it to the ground. Stamps on it. Laughs like a pantomime villain. Exits following Big D and Nathan.

 

Onto the empty stage creeps YOUNG NAT. He sees the hat. Picks it up. Puts it on. Shakes his head. Bells ring. He looks chuffed and exits.

A MESSAGE FLASHES ON THE BACK WALL:

 

 I DON’T THINK THE TRADITIONAL FORM OF THEATRE MEANS ANYTHING ANY MORE.

SCENE THREE

Young Nat walks onto the stage – addresses the audience directly

YOUNG NAT

Hold onto your hats – here we go!

He exits.

 

Lights up to reveal the upstage “mantra” as before – hat exchanging. Nathan has joined the line in place of Young Nat. Hyp and The Big D leave the line. Inspect the troops. Big D sends the members of the line off to the hatboxes (distributed around the stage) to collect hats, during the ensuing speech.

BIG D

And for one hour each day you’re allowed to put on a hat, with a brim, or a cap with a peak, of any colour you like, unless the day is raining in which case you have to put a woollen hat on.

 

The hat wearers are trying to follow Big D’s instruction but confusion reigns. Only Nathan is left – standing in line on his own. Hyp calls proceedings to a halt.

HYP

(addressing Nathan)

Clear?

Before he has a chance to answer, Jenna enters. She looks at Nathan. He at her. They recognise each other.

NATHAN

What’cha doing here?

JENNA

Nothing. What are you doing here?

Nathan pushes her.

NATHAN

It’s my dream.

Jenna stands her ground.

JENNA

I thought it was my dream.

Harmony pipes up from the background.

HARMONY

It could be both your dreams.

HELP

It used to be all our dreams.

Young Nat peeps out from the wings, beckons to Jenna who crosses to him.

YOUNG NAT

Maybe it’s a nightmare.

Hindrance rushes to catch Young Nat, but he escapes. Jenna looks worried.

HINDRANCE

A nightmare. Don’t be silly. Does it look like a nightmare.

Hindrance takes Jenna by the arm and leads her towards the group.

HINDRANCE

That’s a nice hat.

BIG D

Look better in black. It’s a bit.. grey.

Hyp proffers another hat to Jenna.

HYP

This one would really suit you.

 

Big D, Hindrance and Nathan all nod in agreement.

JENNA

Well..?

HINDRANCE

You know what they say?

Jenna shakes her head.

HINDRANCE

Don’t put it off – put it on.

Hyp turns to the group.

HYP

Can’t hear you.

GROUP

Don’t put it off – put it on.

Jenna puts on the hat. Hindrance leads her to her place in the line. Hyp lines up in front of the group like a captain.

HYP

Welcome to the Star of Truth.

Jenna reaches up to take the hat off. She can’t. It’s fixed to her head. She looks alarmed. The “group” begins to file out.

JENNA

Where are we going?

Hindrance turns round to answer her.

HINDRANCE

To look for a little boy who’s lost. Who needs help.

The Big D and Hyp stay behind, waving them off.

SIGN ON BACK WALL:

 

YOU MAY PERHAPS AGREE WITH ME THAT THE PRESENT DAY WORLD CAN DO WITH TRANSFORMING.

Alone on the stage, they fumble their way through a range of hats – trying them on, pulling faces, making jokes – improvising the mantra “I know I am” etc. Big D puts a Santa Hat on –

BIG D

You want to talk to me – you’d better see my helpers.

Big D and Hyp fall about laughing.

 

Hindrance reappears, stands nervously watching the pair.

 

Hyp beckons Hindrance towards them.

HYP

Good job Hindrance. We’ve got them just where we want them.

BIG D

Totally confused.

Hindrance smiles. Hyp waves at her.

HYP

Don’t stand on ceremony. Take your hat off.

Hindrance gratefully removes her hat.

SCENE FOUR

Help leads The “Hats” onto the stage. They sit in a semi circle – Hindrance, Nathan, Jenna and Harmony.

 

Help addresses the audience directly.

HELP

If I can be of any help in explaining what this play is about.

Big D drags her away from the audience, frogmarches her into position in the semi-circle.

Hyp and the Big D begin lecturing them.

HYP

And these are the happiest days of your life.

BIG D

Don’t talk to strangers – don’t trust your friends.

Jenna whispers to Harmony.

JENNA

Did they say “don’t trust your friends?”

Harmony nods.

JENNA

That can’t be right.

BIG D

Pay attention please. How will you ever learn if you don’t listen to your teachers?

HARMONY

How will we ever learn if we do?

HYP

And these are the happiest days of your life.

BIG D

No responsibility, no stress, no worries.

HYP

But be careful when you go out – it’s for your own protection, there are evil people out there.  People and things who’ll mess with your head. That’s why it’s most important you never take your hats off. Any questions?

Help puts her hand up. Hyp and Big D look annoyed.

HELP

But why do we have to wear black hats.

BIG D

If you haven’t got it now you never will.

Jenna puts her hand up. Hyp ignores her.

 

Harmony rises and addresses the audience directly.

HARMONY

And what about the boy with the jesters hat? What’s happened to him?

Jenna joins Harmony- amazed.

JENNA

How do you know what I’m thinking?

Harmony smiles at her. But Hyp responds.

HYP

He’s dangerous. Keep away from him.

BIG D

He looks like a little kid, but he’s evil. Don’t play with him.

HYP

Don’t even think about him.

HINDRANCE

And if we see him – Ignore him?

Big D laughs.

BIG D

No. If you see him. Catch him. And KILL HIM!!

Jenna looks shocked.

HYP

And bring us his hat.

BIG D

Split into teams. Seek him out. Leave no stone unturned.

Big D waves a coloured hat as a temptation.

BIG D

There’s a prize for the one who finds him first!

The “hats” exit – Jenna and Harmony one side, Nathan, Help and Hindrance the other.

HYP

Do you know what they say?

BIG D

What?

Hyp mimes a scalping.

HYP

If you want to get a head – get a hat!

The pair fall about laughing.

SCENE FIVE

SIGN ON BACK WALL:

 

EVERY ART CONTRIBUTES TO THE GREATEST ART OF ALL – THE ART OF LIVING.

We hear bells. Young Nat enters the deserted stage, looking round for a place to hide. He looks in the large hatbox upstage centre, clambers into it and conceals himself.

 

Enter Nathan, with Help and Hindrance – arguing.

HINDRANCE

It’s the right thing to do.

HELP

It’s the wrong thing to do.

HINDRANCE

It’s the best thing to do.

HELP

It’s the worst thing to do.

NATHAN

(addressing the audience directly.)

What should I do? Make up your minds.

Help and Hindrance drag him back into the action.

HINDRANCE

It’s the only thing to do.

HELP

It’s your mind. You have to make it up.

HINDRANCE

Don’t be silly. You just have to do what you’re told.

Nathan motions them both to stop – they are doing his head in with their quarrelling. As they fall silent, we hear the jingling of bells as Young Nat shifts in the box.

 

Nathan, Help and Hindrance look round, trying to work out where the noise came from.

 

Hindrance points to the large box, sneaks towards it and beckons to Nathan to follow.

HELP

You don’t have to do this Nathan.

HINDRANCE

You should always do what you’re told. By people who don’t wear hats. They know better. They only do it for your own good.

NATHAN

I don’t… know..

HELP

It’s not about hats Nathan. It’s about..

HINDRANCE

Listen to me Nathan. Do as you’re told. It’ll pay off in the long run.

Hindrance knocks on the box.

Young Nat,pops out like a jack in the box.

He is wearing Nathan’s hat.

NATHAN

He’s wearing my hat.

YOUNG NAT

Of course I’m wearing my hat.

HELP

Don’t you think he looks familiar?

 

They pull him from the box. Nathan looks at him for a while. The penny drops.

NATHAN

It’s like he’s me – but younger. I think..

HINDRANCE

Don’t stand around scratching your head. Leave that to the one’s who don’t have to take off their hats to do it.

Young Nat proffers the hat to Nathan.

YOUNG NAT

D’you want your hat back?

Nathan looks to Help and Hindrance for support.

HINDRANCE

You don’t want that hat – that hat’s trouble. Hyp will give you the best hat in the world.

HELP

Which hat do you want to wear Nathan? Think for yourself..

Nathan is in a dilemma.

HINDRANCE

He stole your hat Nathan.

HELP

Who does he remind you of Nathan?

Nathan puts his hands up to his ears.

NATHAN

Stop it. Stop it.

They all freeze for a moment.

NATHAN

I’m in two minds about the whole thing now.

HINDRANCE

Two minds. One hat.

 

Young Nat rummages around in the hat box, brings out the jesters hat he was wearing in the first scene.

YOUNG NAT

If you don’t want your hat back, d’you want to wear mine?

NATHAN

I used to have a hat like that.

He picks the hat up, looks at it longingly.

NATHAN

When I was… smaller.

(pause)

Are you my brother?

YOUNG NAT

Not exactly. Think again.

NATHAN

Are you? You can’t be.. are you ME?

HELP

If the hat fits wear it!

Nathan puts on the hat – Hindrance rushes off the stage calling out:

HINDRANCE

You’ve done it now. You’re for it now.

NATHAN

What now?

HELP

Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan. But keep it under your hats for now.

Help exits in pursuit of Hindrance.

 

Young Nat takes Nathan by the arm.

YOUNG NAT

Two heads are better than one.

They return to the hatbox.

 

Enter Jemma and Harmony. They stand downstage, unaware of Nathan and Young Nat behind them. They look up at the sky ( beyond the audience)

JENNA

I used to look up at the stars and imagine..

HARMONY

That there was a place with different people. People who know.

JENNA

How did you..?

HARMONY

I used to do the same thing.

JENNA

It’s funny. There I was on earth, looking at the Star of Truth. Feeling alone. And all the time, there you were, looking back at me. But I don’t understand. The people in charge here. The ones who don’t wear the hats..

HARMONY

Hypocrisy and Doubt?

JENNA

Is that who..?

She has a flash of realisation.

HARMONY

You know the answer before you ask the question Jenna.

JENNA

You mean this isn’t the Star of Truth.

HARMONY

Truth is the place where we meet ourselves face to face.

JENNA

Face to face.

They turn to face each other.

JENNA

So – You are..?

HARMONY

You.

JENNA

And I am..?

HARMONY

Me. Do you get it?

JENNA

But you know things.

HARMONY

You know things too. Right and wrong. Good and bad. You’ve just spent too much time in the wrong hat.

JENNA

So which hat should I wear?

HARMONY

Go on. Pick one. There’s a whole pile over there.

Jenna and Harmony cross over to the pile of hats, then notice Nathan and Young Nat.

JENNA

(to Nathan)

You’re here.

JENNA

(to Young Nat)

And.. you. I thought you were lost.

NATHAN

He found me.

They sit together amidst the hats, selecting.

SCENE SIX

SIGN ON BACK WALL:

 

BRECHT VERSUS SHAKESPEARE: THE CHALLENGE.

Hyp and Big D stand downstage.

HYP

Does the stage represent life, or is all the world a stage?

BIG D

Well?

HYP

Is it irrational to strive for reason in an irrational world?  Or just unreasonable?

BIG D

It’s absurd.

HYP

Exactly.

(pause during which she looks at the hats all over the stage.)

And why do you think they never tidy up after themselves?

BIG D

It’s a stage they’re going through.

They are interrupted by Hindrance running in at great speed.

HINDRANCE

It’s all gone horribly wrong.

Big D smiles.

BIG D

That’s great.

HINDRANCE

No, I mean. Wrong for us. They know.

HYP

Know what?

HINDRANCE

About.. about everything.

(pause)

They know your names.

HYP

I said it. I told you. She’s no help at all.

BIG D

No what?

Hyp shrieks at the top of her voice.

HYP

HELP.

Help comes running onstage.

HELP

You want me?

BIG D

Of course we don’t want you.

Help turns round and exits.

BIG D

And as for you. I don’t know what’s got into you.

Hindrance shrugs her shoulders.

HYP

I always said she was more of a help than a hindrance.

Hindrance begins to leave the stage. Hyp calls after her.

HYP

And where’s your hat?

HINDRANCE

I lost it.

BIG D

I told you she’d lose her head if it wasn’t screwed on.

Hindrance reaches up to her head, tests it out.

HINDRANCE

Is it?

Hyp and Big D approach Hindrance with a menacing air – and a balaclava – Hindrance runs offstage calling out.

HINDRANCE

Help. Help me. Help.

SCENE SEVEN

SIGN ON BACK WALL:  THE STORY IS COMPOSED OF EPISODES, RE-ARRANGED TO ALLOW THE STORY-TELLERS IDEAS ABOUT MENS’ LIFE TO FIND EXPRESSION.

Help leads on the group, they sit in a circle. Help stands in the middle of the circle and addresses the audience.

HELP

Is it time for a helpful explanation of all that’s gone before. And all that is to come?

 

Help joins the circle comprising Nathan, Young Nat, Jenna and Harmony .

 

Enter Hindrance.

NATHAN

Look out. Here comes trouble.

Hindrance tries to join the circle.

HINDRANCE

No. I.. I want to be on your side.

JENNA

There’s no sides here.

HINDRANCE

What do you mean?

NATHAN

What do you think?

Hindrance walks round the circle.. thinking.

HINDRANCE

Is it a quiz? A test?

HARMONY

There’s no sides here. Just good and bad.

YOUNG NAT

And right and wrong.

Hindrance stops.

HINDRANCE

I get it. I get it. There’s no sides here. Because it’s a circle.

The others laugh and open the circle to admit Hindrance.  They go into a huddle for a moment as Harmony explains the plan.

HARMONY

So that’s the plan. Are we all agreed?

HELP

All of one mind?

ALL

Yeah.

They pull on their black hats, get up and leave the stage – Nathan, Jenna and Help on one side, Young Nat, Harmony and Hindrance on the other.

SCENE EIGHT

SIGNS ON THE BACK WALL: FLASHING THE PREVIOUS MESSAGES IN ROTATION DURING THE SCENE.

Hyp and the Big D stand centrestage, looking in opposite directions. From each side of the stage comes a group – stage left Jenna, Nathan and Help approach Hyp while stage right Young Nat, Harmony and Hindrance approach Big D. The groups speak in unison (as if addressing a school teacher)

ALL

We’re sorry we ran away. We’re sorry we didn’t listen to you. We’re sorry.

Hyp and Big D speak to their respective groups in unison.

HYP/BIG D

It’s too late to be sorry now.

The two groups form up into the a mirrored pattern of each other and begin the black hat mantra. Hyp and Big D watch, increasing pleasure spreading back over their faces. They feel in command once more.

HYP

Take more care. It’s for your own good.

BIG D

If you haven’t got it now you never will.

Hindrance breaks from the ranks, turns to face Help.

HINDRANCE

Now?

HELP

Now.

The groups all put on their coloured, individual cool hats (which they’d concealed)The groups take hold of Hyp and Big D respectively and place identical hats on their heads. At this, Hyp and Big D back away from the groups, struggling to remove the hats until they hit each other – centrestage.  They both jump, turn and face each other- shocked.

JENNA

Truth is the place where you meet yourself face to face.

YOUNG NAT

It’s time for you to learn from us.

Hyp and Big D sit down together. The pairs approach them in turn.

NATHAN

You don’t understand us.

YOUNG NAT

You just tell us.

JENNA

You don’t explain.

HARMONY

You just lecture.

HELP

You don’t listen to us.

HINDRANCE

Not really listen.

NATHAN

You give us faulty tools.

YOUNG NAT

And expect us to build something that works.

JENNA

You tell us lies from the moment we’re born.

HARMONY

You tell us to tell the truth – but where do we learn how to lie?

HYP

What lies?

BIG D

What lies?

HELP

Santa Claus.

HINDRANCE

The tooth fairy.

YOUNG NAT

Bad things won’t happen.

NATHAN

And just when we start to believe you, you tell us..

JENNA

Bad things will happen. Don’t talk to strangers.

HARMONY

Don’t listen to your friends.

HELP

Eat it its good for you.

HINDRANCE

You’ll grow out of it.

 Hyp and Big D address the audience.

HYP

We tried. We did our best.

BIG D

We did it for your own good. We wanted to tell you the truth.

HYP

But sometimes the truth is too ugly.

JENNA

What do you know about truth?

NATHAN

You don’t grow into it.

 He puts a jesters hat on Hyp.

YOUNG NAT

You don’t grow out of it.

He puts a jesters hat on Big D.

HARMONY

You can’t take it on and off.

HELP

It’s not fashion.

HINDRANCE

The world changes so fast these days.

ALL

(to the audience.)

And you can’t teach us any more.

They turn back to Hyp and Big D.

NATHAN

So listen to us for a change.

YOUNG NAT

It’s not about how big you are.

JENNA

It’s not about how much you know.

HARMONY

Truth is the place where you meet yourself face to face.

ALL

And that’s the truth about hats.

They all get up, throw their hats to the floor and walk off, leaving Harmony downstage right and Jenna downstage left. They look up at the stars.

 

Enter Young Nat and Nathan from opposite sides of the stage. Jenna and Nathan mime out the actions from the beginning of the play.

YOUNG NAT

What’cha doing?

HARMONY

Nothing. What are you doing?

He shrugs.

YOUNG NAT

Nothing.

She turns to face him.

HARMONY

I had this really funny dream.

YOUNG NAT

Me too. Was it about hats?

HARMONY

Sort of.

YOUNG NAT

Me too.

HARMONY

I used to wear a hat.

YOUNG NAT

Me too.

YOUNG NAT

When I was bigger.

HARMONY

What happened to it?

YOUNG NAT

I grew out of it.

 

Enter Help and Hindrance. They stand centrestage to address the audience.

HELP/HINDRANCE

Do you need help understanding the moral?

Enter Hyp and Big D – the cast take their bows to the line

ALL

If you don’t get it now you never will.

AND THE SIGN FLASHES ON THE WALL:

 

A PROCESS OF ALIENATION IS NECESSARY TO ALL UNDERSTANDING.

 

CURTAIN.

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